My name is Nina Aksoy, this autumn I'll be 23. Well, I am married, have a daughter, helping my husband with our business, we owe a restaurant in a picturesque and a peaceful town on the shore of the Mediterranean sea. I don't have many friends but those I've tested throughout my lifetime, seem to be my best friends for life. I used to have hand-written diaries and they were lots of help in those depressing teenage years of my life. Now it seems nothing is going on in my world but anything ever happen, I make sure to write it down here.
May 2nd, 2006, 12:08 am
Here we go
Hi, my diary. Haven't spoken to you since I was 16. Kinda weird, today had a fight with my best friend for having rejected her from coming to work with us in the restaurant. And she got angry, but was it really my fault when she has those day-dreams of America and stuck with her documents until June, for how long were we going to wait? Season has started the day before and now there is no way we can wait for God blessing or hers... May be it's rude but I'm not the one to be set away for a long time like a toy that one may need and remember about like a year later. Sometimes I feel like that and there is nobody here for me to change my mind. They used to be there any time I needed them and I loved them for being helpful. After I got married life turned me around, made me move from my home-country (which wasn't a big stress for me since it was my life aspiration) and somehow I couldn't make it through the distance with my friends and they all left me. There are some left but they also have their own life and now I don't know what to do, really. In my life there's always time and a room for my friends but they have forgotten about it or just lost interest to me as a person. I am a mother, I am a wife, I used to be just a girl-next-door, always ready to listen, to help, to joke. I am me still, no matter what, but what was mine I seem to have lost and it makes me so sad. That's how I feel today, sad. Nothing else today, hope the sunny weather outside tomorrow will rise my moods up or at least reduce my pain, goodnight.
May 2nd, 2006, 06:13 pm
Here we've come!
Hi, diary. Today sucks. That's all I can say. My used to be best friend wrote me such an e-mail about yesterday's problem of rejecting her to work with us... Ugh. I am speechless. All I can say is know your friends and mind it. The only... or the two things that make me happy are that I've contacted my friends-twin sisters after 2 moths of silence and they seem to be okay. Another thing is that my another best friend from the capital of my country welcome me in this e-diary for it was her idea originally to post here thoughts and events of life. I thought I was too old for this girlie stuff but now I see it's the only way to get rid of problems, eating me from inside. My family, the lack of my friends, my private life sometimes, I'll share it with you because I know, you can listen, not like some of those gals calling themselves my friends. Friend... What is a friend? I guess years later I will find it out, right now I am confused and puzzled, I can't answer and in my life all my friends were never with me, we were close in spirit, but they are so far away. This distance and years really show who is right and who is wrong. As for this quarrel, after her message I think it was our last for the friendship is over. She said my husband is a jerk, she said I don't know what friends are, she called me a coward for not fighting for her coming here. But ask me, did she ever fight for me? Anything I've done for her has never been returned to me. From other people, may be, but never from her. So why would there be a one-way-friendship and why must it tough me so much? Yes, 5 years is a long time, for this time she was in my heart like my sister, today she spitted in it and all I want is to cry for she died for me today. It's so hard to bury your own best friend, that's how I thought. But she as I used to know her, has died a long before this day. So why do I wonder it ended? I must be happy. But I am not. Time will show who was right but the heart is bleeding, she is my baby's godmother and God knows, it means a lot for me even though I am not that religious, I wanted to keep those bright traditions in my new family, guess I wasn't trying too hard to find a descent woman to be my baby's second mother in the face of God. She said I am not able to teach my baby those good things in life, it hurts like a knife-cut. In the back. I was true to her though it was not easy, and here is what I get. What do I do?
Me1
May 3rd, 2006, 06:47 pm
On a sunny day...
Dear diary, today could be better if I got the news that I was pregnant again. Unfortunately, I am not yet, but this day is good anyway. We're rich, my husband and me seem to get through the troubles and those black days we've had recently. Our business has finally started bringing us descent money and our bank account is full when I thought all we got was a tiny pile of paper in the safe. Luckily and surprisingly, that's not all. After this I want to live, to smile, to be myself again. As for all the troubles, let them step away for a while, I don't really mind it. It's may and it's lovely, the season has opened and we'll be ok.
May 5th, 2006, 04:50 pm
Just writing
Hey, diary. Don't know what news I can write here down, all is the same, husband is at work, baby won't sleep, I need some rest. Guess I am stressed a bit. And those strange dreams from the past won't let me sleep good at nights, I keep on seeing a girl that I fought with ages ago, we keep on fighting in those dreams and those are real fights with fists and legs. But it's not her I really hate. I think these dreams telling me about my present, that I lost my friend a couple of days ago and my mind hides it from me to give me good rest. I know what it's all about and it doesn't make me that happy as I must be on such sunny days that we always have here. We shared a lot and letting her go is like losing big part of my life. But it's better that way than waiting for another knife in my back. This end of the friendship was predicted, I knew that would happen sooner or later. But I guess it happened too soon. I hope all would be ok with her as we've departed without hate, at least, I don't hate her and do not wish anything bad happen with her though people with whom I used to fight before, could never evoke sweet memories in me, all I remembered was hate and the day we had the fight. Now I don't think that way about her for ending was not my prerogative, she decided to finish it and I just had to agree. That is how my life is going, rather boring, isn't it? I'd better call and congratulate my brother's wife on her 22nd birthday but for me it's not much of a holiday, you know. After that I plan to watch tv or make my baby sleep if she wouldn't do it herself. I guess she wouldn't. Ok then, gotta go, see you on happier days, I guess
July 10th, 2006, 11:45 pm
Being back... is it good?
Dear diary, you've been empty for so long, the reason was my fully loaded life. Now it's stopped and I am here again. With what? My thoughts, my anger, my loneliness, my duties. Not much, but it's my life. The life I am living is good, but will it bring me to where I want to be, where I've dreamed so that I would look behind and say "I don't regret anything"? That's not the point, the point is I am lonely. Being around here has shown me again how much I depend on my friends and who I am without them. Or do I lead my life for them, thinking it's my own? I would not think like that, it's crazy, but when your dreams have all come true, what else can you wish for?